How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police...

I know this is a little old but I thought this was pretty funny, and kind of accurate, so I'm posting it! Yay for me!

10 more fun things to do on a traffic stop...

Sorry been a while since I posted something. I have returned to full duty and have a little time now to post something. So came up with 10 more things to do on a traffic stop. So here they are:

1. Tell the person you pulled over it’s your birthday and hand out inflated balloons. 

2. Tell people how much money you have in your pocket... "I have 10 cents!". Then smile at them for about thirty seconds not saying anything then get back in your car and drive off.

3. Ask the person to step out of the car. Get in there car and drive off. Drive down about a mile turn around and drive back. Get out and tell them you always wanted to drive one of those. More fun if the car is a total piece of crap.

4. Tell them you pulled them over because you need help tying your shoe. 

5. Bring a tip jar to the window when giving out a ticket. 

6. Roll down all the windows in their car, tell them "See isn't that much better?", then leave. 

7. Ask the driver to step out of the car then go into the car and change all the preset radio stations. 

8. When the driver gets an attitude tell him to STFU!

9. Ask the driver to open your soda for you.

10. Bring photos of past vacations and start showing them to the driver. For more fun bring albums worth.

If anybody have any more I would love to hear it. Hell if you have anything funny or any suggestions that you would like to see on here I will be glad to hear it. Just shoot me an email, donutlog@gmail.com

So now I'm back and now you can go play somewhere else. 

Returning...

To light duty work. So basically I get to do what I did when I was off... Sit in front of the computer and browse the internet all day, and sleep. What was interesting was my human resources people were not satisfied with a doctor’s note that just stated, "Can return to Light Duty only". They wanted it to be more specific like if I can lift, sit, type, stare off into space, file things, throw things in the garbage, make origami, cook a steak... etc. They said I couldn't even drive unless the doctor stated it was ok. So I’m not allowed to leave unless I walk. Now that I think about it, I can't do that either because the doctor note didn't say I can. I'll see if I can be coffered around by one of the other officers, and make them wear the little hat and gloves. I believe tips are optional right?

I'm going to be bored I think I need to go play somewhere else.

I didn't know...

That Percocet gives you constipation. I been out on leave do to a surgery I had and the Doctor gave me a prescription of Percocet. What he failed to mention and what I failed to read in the little drug pamphlet thingy is it clogs you up. (If you’re, eating this is probably where you should stop reading till you’re done, just FYI). So I wasn't able to take a shit in two days, and this morning when I did it was the consistency of lead. I think I cracked the bottom of the bowl with that dump.  I kept saying "please flush, please flush, please flush" as I pushed the little flush handle. I washed nervously as the water began to rise above the normal limit, but thank the heavens my toilet forced it down! A big sigh of relief came from me followed by a content smile.

Well thought I should let the world know about this... You're welcome!

If your not sick go play somewhere else.

Why....

When I want to buy a coffee and donut the freakin clerk have to crack this goofy ass smile, roll their stupid eyes, or say some stupid joke about cops and donuts? Yes, I know its funny seeing a cop buy a donut. I know I’m keeping the stereotype alive but they are so freakin good! I feel I now have to ask people to buy a donut for me when they walking into the store so I can bypass Mr. Smart-Ass-Clerk-Dude, like the underage kid that asks people to buy cigarettes for them.

Me: Sir Sir! Can you help me out man?

Sir: Yes officer?

Me: Hey can you... *looking around to see if anyone is looking* Can you get me one glazed donut?

Sir: A glazed donut?

Me (looking around nervously): Shhhh!!! Keep it down man! Keep it down! Yes glazed! I need the stuff man! Baaaddd!!

Sir: Ooookkkk...?

Me (kind of whispering): Just... Just don't say it's for me ok man? OH CRAP! The clerk is looking at us... act like you don't know me! Act like you don't know me man!

I don't want to hit rock bottom like that, but Mr. Smart-Ass-Clerk-Dude is not giving me a choice!

I'm reaching out here! Can anyone get me a donut? I'm good for it! Just tell the clerk it’s not for me and pretend you're playing somewhere else.

When people tell me...

To arrest the person they are with when I'm walking by, or pointing to them and say they did it, I'm just going to turn around and say, "Ok! I'll take em in!", and start cuffing them up and walking them to my car. Then the person who got them in that situation will try and tell me they where joking and they didn't mean it and say "I'm sorry!”

"Nope! I'm taking them!" I'll put them in my patrol car and drive off. I'll drive around the block and explain to the person in the back that I'm teaching their jack-ass friend a lesson, and please don't sue me for false arrest.

Also if I'm just walking around, say a store, because I'm looking for munchies and a drinky (no that's not a typo) don't get super paranoid and ask what is going on and if everything is ok. I'm just going to say something like:

"No ma'am, there has been a report that Al-Qaeda has taken control of the feminine product isle. It may be a good idea if you leave."

Also don't tell your five-year-old that I'm going to arrest them because he is throwing a fit. I might arrest you for not being able to keep your kid quiet, but I won't arrest them. You’re making the kid scared of cops and I don't want to chase them down the road when they are older because I pulled them over for a tail light being out.

Now go play somewhere else!

Police Coloring Books...

Some of these are pretty funny, others can piss you off a little. Here are some pages from police coloring books from different sources:

Glad Wilford Brimley is looking out for the public in his Sherlock Holmes outfit.  The little girl doesn't really seem to be pointing at the gun but a little past it. She is probably pointing to the murder scene just off the page. Coach is probably thinking, "Oh S***! I got to hide the evidence better!" Looking at the gun closer you will notice there is no hammer or trigger. 

Kid is waaaay to happy to be helping out old monkey lady. Maybe the kid just stole the groceries because he looks like the one moving and she is just standing there. I like how it tells you to be helpful and considerate to others but just make sure you don't.....

...talk to them! If someone needs help finding their dog, is lost, or needs help with their taxes, be sure to be considerate and not talk to them! 

Hey it’s Officer Condom Hat! What the hell is he holding, a lollipop or a magnifying glass? And why is he directing traffic with it?

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE NEXT PAGES... As they may piss some of you off, but the reality is they exist.

"Hey thanks mom! I always wanted my own Police Brutality coloring book!" Why are these officers issued broomsticks? That department must be having budget issues. 

Six armed Pepper Spray Cop. Those cuffs are useless because they are all locked together. If he needs to arrest someone he has to unlock them one by one, and by then the bad guy is history. Is he doing the bathroom dance? Maybe all those things are air fresheners. If you read one of my articles before, I looked the same way after eating a dozen buffalo wings at a rapid pace.

OK, at first you look at this and think "This officer is about to beat down this person!" But after close examination they are really dancing. The guy on the floor is finishing a break dance move and the cop is striking a disco stance pose. You can also see the guy throwing up the devil horns in the crowd indicating it rocks!

This is only a few of many I have come across. If you have any coloring books from your local department you would like to share send them my way, donutlog@gmail.com. Until then... Go play somewhere else!