How To Not Get Your Ass Kicked By The Police...

I know this is a little old but I thought this was pretty funny, and kind of accurate, so I'm posting it! Yay for me!

10 more fun things to do on a traffic stop...

Sorry been a while since I posted something. I have returned to full duty and have a little time now to post something. So came up with 10 more things to do on a traffic stop. So here they are:

1. Tell the person you pulled over it’s your birthday and hand out inflated balloons. 

2. Tell people how much money you have in your pocket... "I have 10 cents!". Then smile at them for about thirty seconds not saying anything then get back in your car and drive off.

3. Ask the person to step out of the car. Get in there car and drive off. Drive down about a mile turn around and drive back. Get out and tell them you always wanted to drive one of those. More fun if the car is a total piece of crap.

4. Tell them you pulled them over because you need help tying your shoe. 

5. Bring a tip jar to the window when giving out a ticket. 

6. Roll down all the windows in their car, tell them "See isn't that much better?", then leave. 

7. Ask the driver to step out of the car then go into the car and change all the preset radio stations. 

8. When the driver gets an attitude tell him to STFU!

9. Ask the driver to open your soda for you.

10. Bring photos of past vacations and start showing them to the driver. For more fun bring albums worth.

If anybody have any more I would love to hear it. Hell if you have anything funny or any suggestions that you would like to see on here I will be glad to hear it. Just shoot me an email, donutlog@gmail.com

So now I'm back and now you can go play somewhere else. 

Returning...

To light duty work. So basically I get to do what I did when I was off... Sit in front of the computer and browse the internet all day, and sleep. What was interesting was my human resources people were not satisfied with a doctor’s note that just stated, "Can return to Light Duty only". They wanted it to be more specific like if I can lift, sit, type, stare off into space, file things, throw things in the garbage, make origami, cook a steak... etc. They said I couldn't even drive unless the doctor stated it was ok. So I’m not allowed to leave unless I walk. Now that I think about it, I can't do that either because the doctor note didn't say I can. I'll see if I can be coffered around by one of the other officers, and make them wear the little hat and gloves. I believe tips are optional right?

I'm going to be bored I think I need to go play somewhere else.

I didn't know...

That Percocet gives you constipation. I been out on leave do to a surgery I had and the Doctor gave me a prescription of Percocet. What he failed to mention and what I failed to read in the little drug pamphlet thingy is it clogs you up. (If you’re, eating this is probably where you should stop reading till you’re done, just FYI). So I wasn't able to take a shit in two days, and this morning when I did it was the consistency of lead. I think I cracked the bottom of the bowl with that dump.  I kept saying "please flush, please flush, please flush" as I pushed the little flush handle. I washed nervously as the water began to rise above the normal limit, but thank the heavens my toilet forced it down! A big sigh of relief came from me followed by a content smile.

Well thought I should let the world know about this... You're welcome!

If your not sick go play somewhere else.

Why....

When I want to buy a coffee and donut the freakin clerk have to crack this goofy ass smile, roll their stupid eyes, or say some stupid joke about cops and donuts? Yes, I know its funny seeing a cop buy a donut. I know I’m keeping the stereotype alive but they are so freakin good! I feel I now have to ask people to buy a donut for me when they walking into the store so I can bypass Mr. Smart-Ass-Clerk-Dude, like the underage kid that asks people to buy cigarettes for them.

Me: Sir Sir! Can you help me out man?

Sir: Yes officer?

Me: Hey can you... *looking around to see if anyone is looking* Can you get me one glazed donut?

Sir: A glazed donut?

Me (looking around nervously): Shhhh!!! Keep it down man! Keep it down! Yes glazed! I need the stuff man! Baaaddd!!

Sir: Ooookkkk...?

Me (kind of whispering): Just... Just don't say it's for me ok man? OH CRAP! The clerk is looking at us... act like you don't know me! Act like you don't know me man!

I don't want to hit rock bottom like that, but Mr. Smart-Ass-Clerk-Dude is not giving me a choice!

I'm reaching out here! Can anyone get me a donut? I'm good for it! Just tell the clerk it’s not for me and pretend you're playing somewhere else.

When people tell me...

To arrest the person they are with when I'm walking by, or pointing to them and say they did it, I'm just going to turn around and say, "Ok! I'll take em in!", and start cuffing them up and walking them to my car. Then the person who got them in that situation will try and tell me they where joking and they didn't mean it and say "I'm sorry!”

"Nope! I'm taking them!" I'll put them in my patrol car and drive off. I'll drive around the block and explain to the person in the back that I'm teaching their jack-ass friend a lesson, and please don't sue me for false arrest.

Also if I'm just walking around, say a store, because I'm looking for munchies and a drinky (no that's not a typo) don't get super paranoid and ask what is going on and if everything is ok. I'm just going to say something like:

"No ma'am, there has been a report that Al-Qaeda has taken control of the feminine product isle. It may be a good idea if you leave."

Also don't tell your five-year-old that I'm going to arrest them because he is throwing a fit. I might arrest you for not being able to keep your kid quiet, but I won't arrest them. You’re making the kid scared of cops and I don't want to chase them down the road when they are older because I pulled them over for a tail light being out.

Now go play somewhere else!

Police Coloring Books...

Some of these are pretty funny, others can piss you off a little. Here are some pages from police coloring books from different sources:

Glad Wilford Brimley is looking out for the public in his Sherlock Holmes outfit.  The little girl doesn't really seem to be pointing at the gun but a little past it. She is probably pointing to the murder scene just off the page. Coach is probably thinking, "Oh S***! I got to hide the evidence better!" Looking at the gun closer you will notice there is no hammer or trigger. 

Kid is waaaay to happy to be helping out old monkey lady. Maybe the kid just stole the groceries because he looks like the one moving and she is just standing there. I like how it tells you to be helpful and considerate to others but just make sure you don't.....

...talk to them! If someone needs help finding their dog, is lost, or needs help with their taxes, be sure to be considerate and not talk to them! 

Hey it’s Officer Condom Hat! What the hell is he holding, a lollipop or a magnifying glass? And why is he directing traffic with it?

I APOLOGIZE FOR THE NEXT PAGES... As they may piss some of you off, but the reality is they exist.

"Hey thanks mom! I always wanted my own Police Brutality coloring book!" Why are these officers issued broomsticks? That department must be having budget issues. 

Six armed Pepper Spray Cop. Those cuffs are useless because they are all locked together. If he needs to arrest someone he has to unlock them one by one, and by then the bad guy is history. Is he doing the bathroom dance? Maybe all those things are air fresheners. If you read one of my articles before, I looked the same way after eating a dozen buffalo wings at a rapid pace.

OK, at first you look at this and think "This officer is about to beat down this person!" But after close examination they are really dancing. The guy on the floor is finishing a break dance move and the cop is striking a disco stance pose. You can also see the guy throwing up the devil horns in the crowd indicating it rocks!

This is only a few of many I have come across. If you have any coloring books from your local department you would like to share send them my way, donutlog@gmail.com. Until then... Go play somewhere else!

Things I want to try on a traffic stop...

But can't because I'll get yelled at by my supervisor:

1. Act like your blind. Pull someone over and walk up to the car with dark sunglasses and a walking stick (or Seeing Eye dog).  Just stare past them and ask for their license and stuff, then start grabbing in in the air in front of them till they give you the docs in hand. Then write a citation and just throw everything back at them, again while staring past them, then walk back the car and drive off.

2. Just scream at them. Have a partner calmly translate.

Me:  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Partner (very calmly): Sorry ma'am, what my partner is trying to say is 'Good day, can I see your license and registration, please'.

Me: AAAAHHH! AAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAAHHHH!!! AAAHHH!!!

Partner (continuing calmly): He says, 'Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over'?

And this goes on throughout the whole stop.

3. Bring an Elmo puppet. Conduct the entire stop with Elmo. When driver tries to talk to you tell them to talk to the other officer and point to Elmo.

4. If it is a sedan, tell them to keep the drivers window rolled up and ask them to roll down the back passenger window. Conduct the stop from there making them hand all documents through the rear window. If they have a sunroof, use that instead.

5. Tell them for their safety they can't look at you at any time, and must look forward at all times. Make sure they look forward the whole time even when they are looking for their documentation.

6. If it’s a night time stop bring a strobe light and have it flashing in the front passenger window.

7. Whisper the whole time. See how long it takes for the driver to start whispering too.

8. Tell them you just pulled them over for a tire pressure check. Use the tire pressure check thingy and check all the tires. Just give them a thumbs up after you're done then leave without saying anything else.

9. When asking questions, reach in and beep their horn when you think they lie. Then tell them "Wrong answer!"

Me: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: ...no

Me (pressing on the horn): *BEEEP* "Wrong answer!"

Driver: Ummm... yes...?

Me: Do you know how fast you where going?

Driver: "45?"

Me (pressing on the horn): *BEEEP* "Wrong answer!"

Driver: "70."

10. Start with a foreign accent then change accent every time you walk back up to the car.

By the way I do not take any responsibility if you try these at your job. Don't get in trouble and most of all STAY SAFE! But if you happen to do this send me the video before you get fired.

If you have any other ideas that you would like to try send it on over to donutlog@gmail.com. I will put your name next to your submission so if you want it to be anonymous just state so.

Now go play somewhere else!

What are they reading in schools...

I saw this at one of the local schools. Apparently this was assigned as someone’s homework. Tell me if this looks right to you:

RUN DUKE RUN!!!! Don't trust anyone who wants to give you a huge bone!

What the hell is up with dads head? If you look at it right dad looks like Billy Dee Williams version of Mister Rogers Neighborhood.

I had this problem all through High School. If you look at the height of the window compared to where the house floor is, you'll notice that the neighbors must get a clear view of everyone's crotches that walk by it. Also that railing is not at your standard adult height and won't save your ass if you trip down those stairs. 

I will try to have more of these later. Until then, go play somewhere else.

Using the radar gun....

So slow down. Do you know that when you slam on your breaks when you see me I already clocked you breaking the sound barrier? Also your little radar detector wont do you any good because it wont detect anything until I push the little activate button thingy on the radar, and by then its to late. Your little device will be nice and quiet... then, all the sudden it will scream off the dash as I already have you locked in.  It's fun to see everyone in your car lunge forward because you're slamming on your breaks. After I pull you over, everything and everyone that was in the back is now in the front compartment, then you smile and tell me you were going the speed limit when you passed me. What about the past five miles where you left some of your cars paint on the road that was melted away from the air friction?

Sometimes I don't even use a radar gun, I use an empty water bottle and hold it like it's one. So again, slow down and go play somewhere else.

Traffic control....

Is a total nightmare. All that goes through my mind is "Don't hit me, don't hit me, don't hit me...” Why don't you see me in the middle of the road with the big neon green vest? What goes through your mind?

"Hey look at that big black and neon green stripped cone with a gun tied to it... I think I'm supposed to hit it!"

Also when the whole road is blocked with big trucks and cars with flashing lights and I'm telling you, "you can't go that way" why, oh why... do you stop in the middle of the road, piss everyone that is behind off because they had to slam on their breaks, then roll down your window and  keep pointing down the blocked road and say, "I need to go that way!" GREAT! I know you NEED to go that way, but you ARE going to go the other way. Also don't stare at me with your mouth agape like you're seeing the Second Coming playing out before you. I'm trying to tell you to move forward. Go before a flashlight gets thrown at your car (joking, I'm not going to loose a perfectly good flash light, now a lit flare on the other hand...).

Sometimes we have to use whistles. This makes me look like a dufus as I blow into my rape whistle to TRY to make you stop. You can't hear it anyway because your music is so loud it causes 2.0 earthquakes everywhere you go. So naturally you don't stop. So you hear from me is “TWEEEEET...... TWEEEET...... TWEET, TWEET, TWEET, TWEET, TWEEE AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!”, as I'm diving out of the way.

Please watch out for us human cones. We don't pop back up as well as regular cones after you hit them. Now turn this way and go play somewhere else, or in rape whistle language (TWEET, TWEET, TWEEEEET).

Q and A time...

In the public security and safety engineer field we get a lot of questions. Well I have generously taken the time to answer some of these questions so that your knowledge and understanding of what we do will grow somewhat.

Q: Do all cops eat donuts?
A: We call these "power rings". We try to avoid eating them in public to avoid being a walking stereotype, but secretly have boxes hidden around our car and office.

Q: Do I really have the right to remain silent?
A: Yes you do. But please tell us everything anyway. You will get a lot further if you just confess... I mean, narrate your whole story to us in detail. Sometimes though we don't want to hear you talk... but you do anyway, specially when your drunk. I really don't care what you did that involved booze, a cat, a hamster, a taco, and duct tape.

Q: How do I avoid a speeding ticket?
A: Ummm... don't break the law, or do it when we are not around.

Q: How do I get out of a speeding ticket?
A: Honesty, and politeness... or have a much faster car than we have.

Q: What does being pepper sprayed feel like?
A: Well right at first it doesn't hurt but after a few seconds it feels like someone is putting a belt sander to your face, followed by a rabid squirrel eating your eyes out. Then you get the horse snot coming out of your nose that makes you look attractive. This goes on for about 20 minutes.

I hope this has shed some light to any curiosities you may have. If you have any questions that you want answered in front of everybody shoot an email to "donutlog@gmail.com" (without the quotes). Now go play somewhere else.

Why does this happen...

I got to be careful about scarfing down hot wings so quickly at lunch... because it catches up to me, very, very, fast. After lunch I went to an empty parking lot to meet up with another officer to look at a suspicious vehicle. Right when I arrived, I got out of the car and the hot wings I had eaten decided to make a mad dash for the exit. This caused me to stop right in my tracks... well not entirely stop, but pause briefly and kind of bend forward a bit, cross my legs, and clamp by butt checks so hard I could flatten a diamond. Trying to look natural in this position I had to lean against the car with my arm.

Me talking to my partner: "Ummm.... *ugh*... why don't you go check the car out and Ill stay here and watch the area?"

Partner: "You ok? Why you standing like that?"

Me: "*uugh*.. I'm fine... I just... *ugh*... Just hurry up and check the freakin car!!!"

Partner: "Why you sweating? Its 35 degrees out here!"

The reason why I was sweating was because I was clinched so tight and red warning alarms where going off down there. One slight move and it would cause the flood gates to open.

Me (bending more): "So... *ugh*... is the car ok?"

Partner (checking the car): "It's ok."

Me (quickly): "Ok! See ya!"

I quickly but cautiously climb back in the vehicle. I had to drive with the seat leaned back so I was in a 45 degree standing position. Everything was a blur after that, probably because I was driving so fast to get to the station. It was such a close call. I do feel sorry for everyone that was taken to the hospital at the station for toxic gas related sickness, but they all came out of the coma a few weeks later without any other side effects. For some reason every time I go to the bathroom, they all go play somewhere else.